Today was heavy. I have no other way to explain the fear that took over me after agreeing to attend an activity with her, getting there 1st waited for her to pay, for us get in the room and I basically have a panic attack leave to the car and sat there and cried praying with my mom until midnight.

They are so supportive though. I cried the 20min drive home to Kirk Franklin & Fred Hammond.

Eventually, my mind wandered back to when my mom asked if I needed a trip. I instantly saw myself relaxed on the beach journalling under the shade eating sea grapes until I was ready to swim.

I was ready to swim. Its the mid-50s outside on the first day of March. At 8 PM, I got to swim for free for 20mins. I feel free in water and it wasn’t too challenging to swim my laps, half-laps, I quite enjoyed it.

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All that means to me, right now after praying with my mom and the best gospel playlist, I am really going to put an effort into giving my problems to God. All these years of me trying to do this my way. And being closing myself off into a small confined part of my being somehow that small confinement i created where only i can fit and was protected turned into an all-consuming place of misery and despair. It was all-controlling, so I thought. Now that I think I can gain control of my life and the war has started. We are going to make sure that Fear never wins like that again. Never Again.

Whilst the war is afoot, lol. After we lost the battle, I went for a swim. That by far was the best thing I could have done for myself. I am glad that I was able to take care of myself. Writing this right now makes me smile. For the first time, I realized I did that. You know, I don’t give myself enough credit. I did that. I took care of myself yesterday. I had support yes, but when I came down to it when I was just soo overwhelmed.

I Heard You.
I Cried.
We Prayed.
I listened to the gospel.
I did all of that.

And physically it just wasn’t enough and I found an outlet going swimming. That was amazing and I need to keep that with me. That needs to remain somewhere. I know people always say that they keep things with them. I do not know how they did that but I’m willing to try it.

I’m Ready to War. And you cant stay clean in the war. We got to get dirty, and I’m a germophobe in training. WTF?